Hi SOUL Hi! Lovianhal!
How you? I’m glad you’re here. I’m here too! I love you.
Gurl.
I have been on a journey with regard to forgiveness these last several weeks… and what a journey it has been. I’m still processing what I have been learning in this round of spiritual coursewerk. Whew! The good news is I’m feeling much less raw. And much more empowered to do different things, so I can experience different results. To, in essence, become more grounded in myself and in the work I’m here to do. To love up on myself. To nourish myself and to expect greatness to show up in and as me. Does that make sense? Digging in to me (from last week) which creates the perfect atmosphere for me to feel most grounded in my highest and best self.
With that in mind, I had to go to court this week. I’d love to share what for, but I’m still tender about it and a little embarrassed–even though the circumstances aren’t entirely my fault. The fact that I had to go at all, was sending me into a series of rages. The indignity of it all. How dare I have to pick up and clean up pieces of a coupled life that I didn’t lay out by myself?! Oooh I was hot this week. And talking to my Sistar fren Bunmi– she lovingly redirected me that I was in my victimhood and it was okay. I was allowed to rage. I was allowed to feel abandoned. I was allowed to feel angry. And she reminded me that just because I FELT all those things, did NOT mean I was those things. I was having an experience.
And I heard her.
The part of me who wanted to swim in the rage pool– got to. And the part of me who wanted to be free–got to revisit the Victim Consciousness chapter of Dr. Michael Bernard Beckwith’s Life Visioning Process. And then raged some more. But here’s what’s cool. There’s a part when Rev Michael is talking about forgiveness and he essentially says that forgiveness is not the namby pamby, milquetoast, kumbaya that we think it is. Forgiveness, first of all, is for us. It’s the mechanism with which we get untethered from the bramble we’ve been carrying consciously or unconsciously. Meanwhile, I wanted to rage. I felt it bubbling and boiling in such a way that running wasn’t dislodging it the way that freed up any room within me. I asked my tribe for prayer.
In Life Visioning, Rev Michael says, in essence, to use whatever energy that shows up–to bless and forgive. He said, even if the blessing comes through clenched teeth. Say the words “I forgive you” and “I bless you” over and over even if its with a scowl. And say it until something clicks and you begin to mean it. Chile. And that’s the thing– I know for me, I was taught that forgiveness was all, turn the other cheek and I love you. Let’s be friends, even if you don’t deserve my presence. And if I am angry at you, I don’t feel authentic enough to wish you well. But, I’m learning, that’s not what forgiveness is or what its for. I don’t have to like someone to LOVE them. I don’t have to have happy feelings about someone to bless them. But also, forgiveness is an energy transmutation tool. Blessing someone who has made me angry isn’t about letting them off the hook for being an a-hole. It’s not even about them. It’s about me taking full 100% responsibility for my life and how I react to life stimuli. I don’t have to like what’s happening or who is making stuff happen, but my life is mine and I get to choose how I experience everything that comes up and through it.
So I’m in my room the night before court. I’ve lit a white candle and I’ve called ex-husband’s name and I’m saying his name and that I forgive him over and over and over. I’m saying I bless him over and over. Through tears and through deep weeping. Through rage wailing. I’m saying how much I want to see him win. How much of the best I want for him. How I want to see his dreams come true. That he is a child of God and deserves the best that life has to offer. And I’m blessing and forgiving and it feels like the craziest workout I’ve ever done. And I’m doing this for like an hour, until the rage has no more kindling. I complete my prayer, I write his name on a card and place it on my alter. And I wish I could explain the 50 pounds that lifted from my neck, shoulders and back. How deeply and soundly I slept. How joyfully I woke up.
I went to court and all was well. Probably better than I had the capacity to expect at the time. And afterward I got some clarity–my marching orders–on how to proceed.
I wrote this in my journal:
“Forgiveness doesn’t free someone from consequences of their actions. In the same way non-forgiveness doesn’t free me from the consequences of my actions or inactions. Blessing someone, authentically blessing and sending love–pouring love, even through anger–frees ME from being bound to the consequences of someone else’s actions. It untethers me and I go free. The blessing is for their journey and mine. I’m seeing the highest and best good for them. The same I would for me. And what that means for them is none of my business. They don’t have to accept my blessing. They don’t have to take my energetic gift. Blessing someone doesn’t excuse fuckery. It doesn’t negate their actions or the consequences. Blessings doesn’t do that. My blessing can’t unfuck somebody else’s choices. All forgiveness is self forgiveness. Forgiveness is a portal to freedom. Also, I don’t forgive for someone else to change. I forgive for me to change.”
And that, my star people frens is where we shalt be grounding ourselves for tonight’s conversation as we cap up this’ month’s shiftprompt The Art of BEing EARTH.
Tonight’s Starfolk University staff:
Oneika Mays– Dean of Joyful Revolution
Empress Naima- Dean of Intuitive Arts
Meredith + Tavis -Deans of Indigenous Education
Greg Corbin- Dean of Poetic Activism and Justice
Of course, Jordan is in the WuWu Metaphysical Studio with me, so Join us tonight 7-10p on WURD! Bring a journal, pen and 3 frens…
#starfolku #starpeopleish #comegetfree
The pain pushes you, until the vision pulls you.
You can listen live with this link and/or on the WURD App. We ARE Live on the FB Live OR Twitch too tonight!
Per usual, in EVERY single thing we do, the intention is transformation. And well moisturized legs.
Pssst! This month our #shiftprompt is:
The Art BEing EARTH
Acronym:
Everything
Arrives
Rhythmically
Truthfully
Holy
(Earth turns…)
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The WuWu Metaphysical studio begins Friday night at 7p EST on WURD 96.1FM Philly + The FB LIVE (worldwide). See you then yes? Oh! Bring a journal, a pen and 3 frens! WuWu is best done together. 🙂 #comegetfree
Lovianhal,
-e-
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