Hi SOUL Hi! Lovianhal!
How you? I’m glad you’re here. I’m here too! I love you.
Everything is different.
My life looks nothing like it did when I first moved upstate. Chiiiiile. I had a husband and a teenager still in high school. With my family, I moved in to this much smaller apartment than what we had in PA under the assumption that it was temporary. I was told it was temporary. This apartment, in this often sleepy town, was supposed to be a jump off point for a fresh start for my family and for me.
In a lot of ways it was.
It was a way to get away from what I had known
and to trust that as my old life burned into cinders,
I would eventually be standing on fertile ground with which to plant something new and fabulous and uniquely me.
But what had happened was… nothing worked out the way I wanted.
I was in the throes of practitioner training– which is A LOT. My voice over business started to slow considerably. The husband’s business–the one we moved up here for him to start–was not what I was told it would be. So I got a radio job up here. To make ends meet. I had the fabulous opportunity to finally host a morning show of my design. I didn’t get to choose my co-host, but I got to choose the vibe. And it was great. My God today, a dream come true. One of my dreams fulfilled.
Until it wasn’t.
At the exact same time that I started having problems at the job– that’s a whole other story for another day– the man I married nearly 6 years ago, told me he wanted to talk about us divorcing. Saying I felt blindsided was an understatement. The way I had been holding our family together like a rope, 5 hours away from my support system–for him. For Aubrei. For us. It felt like a slap in the face. Even though, secretly, I had been contemplating what conscious uncoupling would look like for us. We had been growing apart for a while, but I also knew that around the 5 year mark was when most couples had to actively choose each other. So I endured. Even as the threads of my rope began to fray from the weight of it all…
So let’s recap: Breezy was in her senior year of High School. I’m having issues at the job over something that wasn’t in my contract and husband asks for a divorce. By January, I had been fired. By April, spouse had moved out and signed the divorce papers. By June babygirl had graduated. And by August I had an empty nest. In this apartment.
Alone. Whell. And Picard, my baby kitty.
While I am clear that I am not and have never been a lone– I have a spectacular tribe of beings in my corner on this side of the veil and beyond–I am also clear about the optics and how it often feels in my actual, lived life experience. To make light, I’ve been calling my solitude adjacent to the mountains “independent study”. I get to work through my ish without distraction. I get to sit with my pain and insecurities. My feelings of abandonment. My feelings of rejection and unworthiness. I get to sit with these emotional whirlwinds that pass through like a boss– even the things that aren’t mine–even the things that have been passed down to me from my ancestors generationally so that they can get free.
And I will say, with some amount of emphasis, that this ish is complicated. It hurts. You would think not having the financial pressure of a family of four would make life easier– it hasn’t. I still have that pressure, just everyone ain’t in the same building with me. And some days I feel like if I cracked into a million pieces, no one would even notice or care. And that’s the ish I get to sit with. The places and spaces within– the iterations of myself that I ignored once upon a time–whom I get to meet. To see. To hear. To hold. And eventually, to let go.
The good news, perhaps, is that I am more than capable of handling anything that comes my way. I don’t often feel like it’s the case, but I know somewhere deeper than my feelings that I am. It will be a year on April 1, since the divorce papers were signed and the husband moved out. I really and truly wasn’t going to say anything. I was going to let the date pass like it was another day. Like 5 years of my life somehow didn’t matter. That my sacrifices didn’t matter. That my love, my care, my dreams, aspirations and intentions didn’t matter. That whatever I got from this, I deserved. I mean. The amount of grace I have extended to everyone besides myself is actually staggering.
And
sitting with all the emotions I swallowed and allowed to sit like bricks in my stomach for an entire year and change–to survive. To get through.
Finally allowing them to bubble up like stomach acid.
Finally crying the tears.
Finally watering the fire that has burning within me for longer than I can remember
has been
cathartic.
Writing it all out, at least in part, has been cathartic. Check on your strong friends…
Looking forward to our final FIRE ceremony tonight for this month– both on air and afterward with Air Breezy as we welcome the ancestors to join us in burning off that which no longer serves. And welcoming the fertile soil of change, where we get to plant new seeds of what we actually want to grow this eclipse season.
Tonight’s Starfolk University staff:
Helen Little–Dean of Mentorship + Manifestation
Maria Kliavkoff–Dean of Healthy Mourning
Matt Munn—Dean of Higher Self Strategy
Dr. Fearless Smith–Dean of African Diasporic Studies
Daoud Mohteghi–Dean of Christian Mysticism and Counseling
Eric Nixon—Dean of Fellowship + Change
Bridge’tte Stargate—Dean of Spiritual Mid-Wifery
Of course, Jordan is in the WuWu Metaphysical Studio with me, so Join us tonight 7-10p on WURD! Bring a journal, pen and 3 frens…
#starfolku #starpeopleish #comegetfree
“Love takes off the masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within. I use the word “love” here not merely in the personal sense but as a state of being, or a state of grace – not in the infantile American sense of being made happy but in the tough and universal sense of quest and daring and growth.”
― James Baldwin, The Fire Next Time
You can listen live with this link and/or on the WURD App. We ARE Live on the FB Live OR Twitch too tonight!
Per usual, in EVERY single thing we do, the intention is transformation. And well moisturized legs.
Pssst! This month our #shiftprompt is:
The Art BEing FIRE
Acronym:
Forever
Invigorated
Remembering
Eternality
(FIRE burns…)
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The WuWu Metaphysical studio begins Friday night at 7p EST on WURD 96.1FM Philly + The FB LIVE (worldwide). See you then yes? Oh! Bring a journal, a pen and 3 frens! WuWu is best done together. 🙂 #comegetfree
Lovianhal,
-e-
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