Hi SOUL Hi! Lovianhal!
How you? I’m glad you’re here. I’m here too! I love you.
I did something I never ever ever ever thought I would ever do in my life. I reached out, in a giant way to my community–for HELP. That’s right Star Fam. I. Ms. Independent. Ms. I’ll figure it all out on my own. Ms. I’ll suffer in silence because that’s always better than being out here embarrassed for being too “weak” to figure it out by myself.
I.
ASKED.
For.
Help.
I didn’t sugar coat anything. I didn’t leave out details to save face. I asked for help. I shared my embarrassment for even having to ask. For even waiting until my literal back was against the ropes to make reaching out to those whom I love me and who have built this burgeoning community with–for help.
And when I tell you I sobbed after sending out 3 dozen texts.
I SOBBED.
And then did the dishes. I let the water and soap run over my hands as I swept my hands over pots that had been sitting in the sink too long because I felt too petrified to do anything about them. I had held way too much for way too long. I had stuffed and silenced myself into a literal corner of impossibility. I was willing to do any and everything besides ask for help from the people I claim to trust the most.
I sobbed for the little girl in me who was told to “never let them see you sweat”. For the little girl who was trained to not be the “squeaky wheel”. The little girl who was told she was too loud and too much and too whatever else wasn’t quite respectable enough to be worthy of much more than holding other folx stuff. The little girl who was required to pile other folx old stuff unto her new stuff because she was supposed to be the “strong” one. And “The Strong Ones” are supposed to be good little helpers–and never ask for help. Because– supposedly–people take advantage of vulnerability. People take advantage of people who show up honest. People take advantage of so-called weakness…
So
for the love of God herself, stuff those pains and quirks and trials down little girl until you can’t see them. And only talk about how you overcame these things, after you’ve overcome them–
But do so–how class? Without asking for help. Cause why? You Got this!
*rolls every eye in my head*
But
what if you don’t got this? What do the strong ones do when everything we try seems to not be working out? When is asking for help appropriate and not seen as weakness?
I had not realized how deeply this thing went until yesterday. The sheer volume of fear that had been encapsulated in my body for all this time. It was literally suffocating my dreams and aspirations with the toxic air of a putrefied, indigestible ideology that we all have hidden somewhere in our mineral because of how this matrix has been constructed. Because of the pains our ancestors carried. Because of the greed that has been polluting the atmosphere for generations. These silent killers have been waiting in the wings only to lunge forward yelling “en guard!” in those times when I’m called to be brave. During those times when suicidal ideations feel like a legitimate option over the sword fights I’ve felt obligated to participate in just to survive sometimes. Or, dream bigger than I feel comfortable enough to. Or, to move in the direction of a dream I’m wanting to experience in my waking life.
I thought is was me.
I thought maybe I’m not that loved.
I thought maybe I’m not that talented.
I thought maybe I am too much of something and not enough of something else.
I thought I was just not working hard enough.
I thought I was just bad at life.
But today I realized what that African proverb is truly about:
“If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together.”
I also realized that taking the action of asking for help is not really about the outcome. For me, it was about facing a deep rooted fear that has been plaguing me around rejection and abandonment. That if people see me vulnerable, I will no longer be deemed worthy of respect or love or care. Particularly if I feel that respect, love and care is conditional to whether I show a veneer of being “perfect” and/or have it all together. Chile, I haven’t had it together ever of my life. AND. I also know that I don’t have to be pristine to have value.
My work this year has been about showing up for myself. This exercise of asking for help wasn’t even about whether or not the gorgeous brilliant generous people in my life are even able to help me at all. It was about me loving myself enough to try. To do hard things. The push through fear, shame and embarrassment to give myself the opportunity to be brave. To sob in celebration that I am a flawed human who makes mistakes and unwittingly puts myself in tight spots that I need to ask for help from. To be brave enough to learn from those mistakes and to grow on to live another adventure. To give my tribe the opportunity to help me if they can. And be okay with the outcome however it turns out.
As the brilliant Oneika Mays has been known to say, The wall is the work.
I am happy to report that walked through a thick and long standing wall yesterday that had been steadfast for so long, I didn’t even realize it was there. I thought is was a boundary. I thought it was a reason. I thought it was “spirit” telling me I made it far enough and to stay within the confines of my playpen. I thought it a border that I didn’t have a passport to venture past. It was like Jim Carey’s character in The Truman Show. A false wall. And alllllll of my survival strategies had set it up to keep me small and folded into painful shapes to avoid risk. To avoid the embarrassment of trying and potentially failing. To avoid feeling uncomfortable. To avoid the dissolution of the version of myself who was way too scared of being great.
This is a major win star family. A major win for me.
My ancestors triumphed through far worse than I for me to have the opportunity to be where I am now. They were in community. They helped each other. They lifted each other. They made ways out of no ways and they survived, nay thrived in the times they were in. And during these strange times, that is what we are being called to do. To declare the best outcome and to know without a shadow of a doubt that even if the outcome doesn’t look like how I want it to, something bigger than us is making this whole thing go and all is well. Success looks all different ways. For me, I reached an amazing milestone in my development as a persistently evolving being. I leapt off a cliff, withstood the free fall, trusted spirit was my parachute and now with the active help of my COMMUNITY I get to FLOAT. AND I truly know what the birds know…
Oh. You want to know what happened after I asked for help– like what was the outcome? The Starsnotes of it is within 4 hours of my call to action, I got to receive EVERYTHING I needed with some sprinkles on top. And now I can breathe.THIS is my testimony. I can’t wait to share it with you tonight on TEMS and also looking forward to capping up this month’s shiftprompt with Tonight’s Starfolk University staff:
Selena Washington–Visiting Professor
Dr. Kelly Wallace–Visiting Professor
Sylvie Vaught– Dean of Goddess Studies
Kitakya Dennis– Dean of Art, Artistry and Creative Expression
Bunmi Moses–Dean of Brilliance, Luminosity and the Shamanic Arts
Of course, Jordan is in the WuWu Metaphysical Studio with me, so Join us tonight 7-10p on WURD! Bring a journal, pen and 3 frens…
#starfolku #starpeopleish #comegetfree
“Not much of a house with only one bitch in it. More like a studio apartment.”
-Pray Tell, Pose
You can listen live with this link and/or on the WURD App. We ARE Live on the FB Live OR Twitch too tonight!
Per usual, in EVERY single thing we do, the intention is transformation. And well moisturized legs.
Pssst! This month our #shiftprompt is:
The Art BEing AIR
Acronym:
Alive
In
Paradise
or POWER
(AIR is everywhere…)
_________________________________________________
The WuWu Metaphysical studio begins Friday night at 7p EST on WURD 96.1FM Philly + The FB LIVE (worldwide). See you then yes? Oh! Bring a journal, a pen and 3 frens! WuWu is best done together. 🙂 #comegetfree
Lovianhal,
-e-
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